26 February 2009

I'm Posting This Even Though It's Making Me Nervous

I have just recently realized that I am not only out of touch with my body but really out of touch with being a lesbian.

The mentalisms will put one out of touch with the body: all that focus on mood and mind. One forgets.

I've had confused feelings about being gay for years now, ever since the ex-ex-ex girlfriend and I split up. It was awful. I fell hard for her and I'm still carrying not a torch but perhaps something like a wax taper for her.

Before that, being a lesbian, especially an out lesbian, was a joyful thing to me. I love women. They're beautiful.

Women deserve so much.

I've gained some queasiness about it from all that I've read with respect to the church. It has made me uneasy about the morality of it. I can't see any logical reason that it should be immoral. There are no arguments against that do not have counter-arguments equally strong or stronger. I think I should go speak to a priest about it.

I suppose it is rather that it has made me envy heterosexuality. The simplicity of it all; the ease of flirting, the ease of not having to out oneself at every turn, the comfort of not having to worry about holding hands. I can't imagine receiving all that community support and well-wishing.

This envy, though, is a dangerous thing. It comes under the heading of thou shalt not covet anything of thy neighbor's. I need to learn again how to be content with the way God made me. Out of shame, I have been stifling myself. I am worried about the very real possibility of rejection. I have given in to the heteronormativity.

My question is: how do I get back?


  1. Hmm...back to not feeling weird about being gay. Back to not being afraid of it. And out of my head. I would really like to be out of my head.

  2. I want to say something helpful and reassuring here but I'm a bit stumped because the whole church angle is difficult for me to fully comprehend I'm also rather shattered and haven't had more than ten minutes to myself (until now) over the past few days. I should have a bit of a break tomorrow and I intend to catch up with every one. Oh and I've just noticed I'm also one of your posts behind!
    Well hope you're doing OK and I'll drop by V.soon.

  3. I hope things calm down for you. I think I do need to go speak with the rector of Our Lady of the Holy Smokes (which is clearly not actually the name of my church, though it is one of its nicknames on account of the thick clouds of incense)and try to reason it out. He is a very supportive man.
    Thanks for the words of support!