22 April 2009

Happiness and Illness

What a funny, lovely year this has been so far. I feel as though I have landed in an alternate reality. For one, we have a president who keeps doing good things; for another, I am about to graduate from university. All the time life gets more and more stressful and I seem to be getting more and more well in response. I've gotten through nearly the entire semester without staying up all night or even late, really, and I've just finished my comprehensive exams and my thesis defense without even taking a klonopin.

As though all this, the wellness, the graduating, weren't enough, I seem to have fallen in love. It seems to soon to say that but it is nonetheless true. I see no sense in pretending to myself or anyone else that I feel otherwise. I have no idea what to do about it; certainly, this is going to upset my plans in some measure but I don't seem to mind about that. I'm just happy.

It is the happiness that makes me wonder whether the world I live in now can be the same as the world I lived in last spring. Nothing, no object nor word seems to have the same significance as it did. Even the colors seem different. I hope that I will not fall into the ranks of the healthy and chauvinistic, despising illness and unconvinced of its reality. When I remember - and it takes effort - I can see how overwhelming it was, how very real and very horrible it was. I wasn't ever being lazy or weak. I wish I had let myself be ill instead of twisting everything around and trying to convince myself that I wasn't really or that any rate I ought not to be, or ought not to take it into account. I wish that I had been able to say to myself, anyway, that I was ill and that it was wrong and unreasonable to expect myself to be able to do even the simple things as easily or as well as others. I think that it is probably inevitable that there will be people who would think me lazy or malingering and I doubt that I will ever live in such an ideal world that I would truly be allowed to be ill whilst ill and convalescent while convalescent but I hope that the next time I will be able to tell myself the truth, even if nobody else believes it. It was a cruelty to have done otherwise and I wish I had not felt it necessary to be so mean to myself: after all, isn't that what mental health professionals are for? I shouldn't try to do their job for them, especially if I'm not getting paid for it. Not that I'm cynical or anything...


  1. What Lucy said. :o)

    Also, i don't think you need to worry about ending up not believing in the reality of mental illness - you're too intelligent for that.

  2. Thank you!

    It is an excellent thing to be in love beneath the dogwood trees...

  3. I'm glad you're well and in love also.
    I've been feeling surprisingly well for almost a week now (yes - that long!) which is alot to do with why I haven't wanted to sign into my blog, let alone post. I came to associate the blog with brooding on illness and depression so I'm fearful now that if I pause and look over it, I might get sucked back into gloomy introspection. My wellness is still such a fragile state!
    I hope things continue to bloom for you. I don't imagine you'll become complacent and chauvenistic for one moment. We deserve to be well and when the balance tips, we deserve to validate our illness.
    Well done you for coming so far..