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26 August 2009

Life Right Now is Bland, Tasteless and Rather Squishy

After two days spent not changing out of my pajamas and/or leaving the house I have had to admit to myself that I am just plain depressed. I don't seem to have any motivation to do anything besides read and knit and I can't seem to make myself stay on top of all the fun governmental paperwork I'm trying to do.

It's hard to tell whether this is 'real' depression in the DSM sense. After all, that's supposed to go on for at least two weeks (yes) with a marked change in appetite (no) and change in sleep patterns (hard to say). The main criterion, in my mind, is whether or not it interferes with your daily life (I can't tell).

I can't tell because I don't have much of a daily life at the moment, not because I'm avoiding people or too panicky to go anywhere, but because all I have to do at the moment is move and work on my visa application. I don't have to be anywhere. There is no particular reason for me to get up at any specific time, nor to get dressed and it's hard for a schedule like that to be interfered with by anything. I do feel melancholy but I think that's more to do with breaking up my home than anything else.

Everything is flat right now and that is the case for me when I'm depressed; that complete lack of desire that makes it almost impossible to choose one thing over another even when there are no particular consequences (such as picking out a book to read).

Another possibility is that I am extremely bored. I rather hope that that's it. Usually, when the semester is over and I have sixteen weeks ahead of me with no requirement to do anything, go anywhere or see anyone, I feel a huge sense of relief. This year, I woke up on that first Monday morning and thought, dammit, I have nowhere to go and no one to see: I took that to indicate that I wasn't depressed.

Right now, I feel like I have some sort of interior dimming, a grey-out of desire and interest. I have plenty of time to do some work (e.g., write a post that has actual content instead of navel-gazing) but I don't seem to be able to summon the concentration or will to do so. And time keeps folding up in strange ways so that some days feel like weeks and some weeks feel like days and two hours will pass agonisingly slowly until I look at the clock and notice that it's three hours later than I thought.

I do hope it's just boredom. I suppose I'll find out soon, when term starts.

4 comments:

  1. I hope that it's boredom too, and that it moves on quickly. I hate it when it's hard to tell.

    take care x

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  2. The DSM IV is a very blunt instrument. The boundaries between its various categories and subcategories are highly porous and the periods it suggests this or that state must persist for before this or that can be diagnosed would be risible if practioners were expected to, or did, take them literally.

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  3. This is a very belated and quite inconsequential comment but the title of your post immediately reminded me of the kaki/persimmon fruit which grew around the area of Southern France where I once lived. Other than it's gorgeous colour and its apparent nutrient qualities, it really had nothing to recomend it and if you walked around bare-foot (as I did) the wind-falls had a habit of squishing between your toes.
    I told you this was to be a useless comment. Otherwise, I do hope something occurs to provide welcome distraction from the grey liminal period.
    K.x

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