18 July 2009

Like Creeping Damp

As the day when I'll move to my parents and away from dear old urban Appalachia approaches I find that I am losing my mind. I wish I were saying that in the colloquial sense but I am not. Somehow, ending an important relationship, giving up my cat, the prospect of double moving (first to DC, then to London) and dealing with the federal student loan system has frayed my sanity around the edges. Fancy that.

It's rather disappointing. I've been doing so well. Now around 11am and 4pm every day, I find I have to stop whatever I'm doing and lie down for a bit. I'm not much of one for tears but I find myself weeping a little with the slightest provocation - like an emotional incontinence. I feel like a specimen of Victorian female frailty. Perhaps I should go somewhere for my nerves and take a rest-cure...

My mother is going to come down and give me a hand next week. I was hoping not to have to ask her and it worries me a little to ask her (after all, won't that make her secretly hate me?) but something has to give and I'd rather it not be my mind. I need the help. I keep saying out loud - to myself alone and not the cat, alas - 'Yes, if your mother comes to help you she will secretly hate you and take it out of you in other ways.' Put that way, it is risible. My mother never takes anything out on anyone, not even the mean-spirited, gossip-mongering faction of the hospitality committee at her church. If she can forbear them - I can't, it's not even my church and I still almost lost my temper with them - then she can easily bear with me.

It'll be all right once I get up to my parents. I'm just pretty thoroughly uncomfortable, for now.


  1. No-one can and should have to move house without significant help. I tried to do exactly that 18 months ago (I also had other pressures and uncertainties) and wound up so unwell, my family had to step in and look after both myself and my daughter for 2 weeks. So by not asking or 'worrying' anyone, I ended up 'ruining' Christmas for them all! I was so useless and inert, they had to practically carry me into the car and ensure there were no loud noises (which included any regular family rows) for the entire holiday!
    I think you should go easy on yourself and absolve yourself immediately of any guilt! As for the Victorian frailty business!!..we're all entitled to a fit of the vapours once in a while! You are far from such a specimen. I suggest you go embroider a sampler with a suitable mantra or feisty statement!!
    All the best, and since I have rather alot of wellness and stamina to spare at present, I'll endeavour to wing some your way!

  2. I'm glad you have wellness and stamina to spare: that's always good to hear. Turning into an inert lump is exactly what I want to avoid - too late for the loud noise sensitivity - and, while I'm sorry you had such a struggle, it's heartening to know that I'm not the only one who gets thrown by this.
    I used to move from one country to another on a fairly regular basis without too much difficulty but, as I keep trying to remind myself, because I did it on a regular basis, I didn't have much that wouldn't fit into two suitcases and a carry-on bag. Now that I've been in the same place for almost six years, I have somehow managed to accumulate a little more than that! Can't imagine how that could have happened...
    I have long wanted to make philosophy samplers - I've done some Greek ones in the past - with slogans such as "From each according to his ability, to each according to his need" and "Constant correlation does not equal causation" and so on. I think that I shall try to soothe my attacks of the vapours with just such an undertaking: that's a very good suggestion. If I manage to finish one, I'll put up a picture.
    Thank you for the encouragement - it's always appreciated.